#bluevalentine #cognitiveanalytictherapy #traumabonding
I recently watched Blue Valentine for the first time and had many strong reactions to it which I would like to try and understand through a CAT lens. This film came out in 2010 and stars Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams.
Disclaimer: This film addresses issues which allude to sexual abuse in childhood, abortion and domestic violence. This reflection contains plot spoilers.
Setting the scene: resentfully caring to ungratefully cared for?
Similar to 500 Days of Summer, the film occurs across two time zones; the past and the current day. Ryan Gosling plays Dean, a man who represents a playful, laissez-faire kind of person. This is beautifully portrayed in the scenes with their daughter, Frankie. She seems to be about five or six years old. In the beginning of the film we see Dean try to encourage her to eat an unappetising and resentfully-prepared breakfast of oats and water by Frankie's mother and Dean's wife, Cindy. Dean suggests they take out the raisins and 'eat like leopards'. This irritates Cindy and she comments how she does not want to clean up after two children. In this scene there seems to be a relationship role of 'resentfully caring' to 'ungratefully cared for'. Dean responds by increasing his efforts to be playful, presumably in response to sensing tension and trying to find comfort but efforts are critically dismissed by Cindy as she asserts how her needs to get Frankie to school on time and to also get to work are the only needs that matter to her. Dean seems wounded and has a cigarette while theatrically professing how much he loves Frankie as she leaves with Cindy.
The main themes
This film can be said to be a portrayal of when love goes wrong, otherwise known by the modern term: trauma bonding. It is beautifully titled, Blue Valentine, spinning a classic romantic word with a shade associated with depression. Romance as an idealistic portrayal of love is captured in Dean's perspective on the relationship as he immediately falls in love at first sight and views all of Cindy's behaviour through rose-tinted glasses. There is neuroscience to support this. Our ventromedial prefrontal cortex is involved in persevering with a goal when we are faced with other options - even if the grass really is greener, we are less sensitive to alternative choices and more sensitive to anything that affects our goal (Holton et al. 2024). Doggedly sticking with a decision and lacking the flexibility to see alternatives; we are wired to avoid loss and persevere - this is also known as the sunk cost fallacy.
Cindy's experience seems to be a woman in a vulnerable state when she meets Dean. Initially finding rescue in his optimism and charm then years later we see her disengage and lose her vitality. Both engage in alcohol use to cope with distress.
As I typed the above description of the opening scene I sense tension surfacing within when recalling how polarised and tense the couple came across to me; the film flew by but it was an emotional experience. A challenging film to watch, not just because of the issues addressed but how these are gradually unravelled through the plot and time-travel approach. It occurred to me this film can be understood through a CAT lens because of how I gathered more information on the characters by witnessing their family interactions and the old adage of not just listening to what they say but what is not being said too.
Applying a CAT lens
In my mind, there are a few ways I could approach this so let's see which one prevails!
We see two dominant parental roles in relation to Frankie: Dean = the silly and energetically, optimistic parent and Cindy = the sensible yet disappointed and tired parent. Dean works as a painter and Cindy works in a midwifery role (though she initially wanted to become a doctor). They are type-cast and it seems these roles are rigid and fixed. I sense the space between them as conflictual and hostile and their values seem incompatible - Dean comes across as devoted and committed to Frankie and Cindy yet Cindy seems disengaged and depressed.
Frankie
Frankie's role in the film seems to portray the unknowing and openly trusting role of a child seeking love and protection. We see moments of her laughing, joking and appearing relaxed in the company of both parents. This portrays a child's mindset as resilient, I see her experience both parents as unconditionally loving and trustworthy as she seems oblivious to her parent's dynamics. Throughout the film we see both parents relate in age-appropriate language, attend to Frankie when she asks questions and respond in a way which offers her information in a way which minimises distress. This is most poignant at times of separation from her father but also heart-warmingly, when Dean explains the death of their beloved Dog in terms of her moving to Hollywood to become an actor.
Cindy
In the moments of the film set in the past we learn about Cindy's life. She grew up in a household where her father was dominant and aggressive towards a submissive, scared mother. Cindy came across as attractive to men, evidenced by her being pursued by Dean and her boyfriend before him. Cindy also seems caring, with her ambition of wanting to become a doctor, her interactions at work and her caring side is further illustrated in past scenes looking after her grandmother. Cindy seems to value closeness as we see her mutually experience love and comfort with her grandmother who has a witty, sparkle in her eye kind of personality.
In the present, Cindy seems cold and distant. The viewer also no longer sees the softer characters in Cindy's life; her mother and grandmother disappear from the outside world and also seem to disappear relationally too. This makes me wonder about what happens when we lose the people who we experience a nurturing/caring/supportive relationship role with. If we live without a nurturing, caring role externally, it seems it could wither away internally, as it seemingly did for Cindy.
In therapy a space can be co-created where the nurturing, healing aspects of a therapeutic alliance can be experienced and then taken away with us. It can also help to release unconscious aspects of ourselves to reveal our own shadow characteristics which enable us to become more aware of them in others too. For instance, to discern genuine intention and kindness from deception and transactional trickery. For example, in this film, a work colleague who initially seemed encouraging and supportive to Cindy, later reveals a hidden agenda when she clocks on that he wanted to take her out for dinner (and perhaps more) if she moved to a new workplace and lived with him, away from her family during the week. This can be viewed as an overlooked feature represented in Cindy as a blindspot towards her own deception by hiding her true feelings towards her marriage. Throughout the film, the arena where Cindy's distress became actualised and gained her attention was in her relationships with men.
As illustrated by another scene, in the present day, Cindy is in a supermarket and bumps into Frankie's father, they initially seem comfortable and friendly then he tries to pursue her by asking if she has been faithful to her husband. Cindy leaves and rushes Dean out of the supermarket car park. Dean senses something is not OK and asks about it. Cindy eventually says she saw this man and Dean becomes upset that she tried to withhold information from him. This scene illustrates something of their contrasting values and perception on marriage. Cindy explains she withheld information because she did not want Dean to be upset and it was not significant. Though this contrasts with Dean expectation of honesty. This is acted out again at the end when Dean quotes the marriage vow 'for better or worse...this is me at my worst'.
I wonder whether Cindy holds a core belief that 'deep down men will be dominant and aggressive' which was confirmed by dating Frankie's father (who also beat Dean up). In a scene where they fight, the contrast in their disposition is starkly evident when seeing Dean not fighting back.
Dean
Dean has no contact with his mother as she seemingly left his life when she found a partner. He says his dad is a janitor but we do not see him either. Dean is drawn towards connection and reaches out to older colleagues around ideas of love when he works in a removal business. He has no airs and graces, seems ready to get stuck in and earn money to pay for a life for himself. We see a depth and softer side when he takes time to gently unpack an elderly man's items when he moves to a retirement home. Watching Dean, I see a man who represents values of sentimentality, respect and consideration of others feelings.
Dean mentions lacking 'resistance' when reflecting on his realisation he wants to be with Cindy, self-referencing gender generalisations about commitment - he says men feel less resistance then meet someone they do not want to live without. According to Fairbairn (1952) resistance is when we struggle to let go of ways of perceiving ourselves and others even when this causes problems. According to object relations theory which is at the heart of many psychotherapy approaches, including Cognitive Analytic Therapy, we seek others which conform to internal psychic structures (our model for relating which is internalised from experiences of others during our formative years). With a CAT lens, Dean seemed to lack fear of making a commitment to Cindy but inadvertently could have also re-enacted another abandoning to abandoned relationship role in relation to himself by prioritising her life and needs over his own.
When it comes to the scene where Dean and Cindy's different values come across, I wonder whether Dean's distress at information being withheld activated familiar experiences of a withholding (m)other he might have experienced from his mother? He may be acutely sensitive to any kind of separation and loss which could touch on an old wound, covered with a thin layer of scar tissue. A possible trap around protecting core pain of abandonment could be something like 'I live as if I will be abandoned so when I experience another as withholding I shut down to protect myself but then feel more disconnected and alone'.
With this un-noticed, un-reflected and unquestioned, we witness Dean experience Cindy's lack of affection and her increasingly antagonistic way of relating which he seems to cope with by drinking alcohol, trying to ask and verify his perception of what is happening to no avail. I imagine this to feel deeply painful, possibly activating feelings of loss and confusion familiar with his own experience of parental separation and the abandonment of his mother so he returns to alcohol as a numbing strategy against connecting with core pain.
There is no shortcut to love. This film includes a beautiful line by Cindy's grandmother: 'You've got to be careful that the person you fall in love with is worth it to you' Cindy replies 'how can you trust your feelings when they can just disappear like that?' Her grandmother responds: 'I think the only way you can find out is to have the feelings.'
Gender, power and intimacy
In the scene where Frankie was conceived, Cindy appears to submit, seeming as if she is tolerating their intimacy. This contrasts with another sex scene where Cindy seems to initially enjoy her intimacy with Dean as he focusses on giving pleasure to her. This spurred me reflect on themes of gender, power and intimacy which were later voiced by Dean when, during the end of the film he says 'what does it mean to be a man?'
A possible gendered belief system Cindy may have internalised could be around 'as a woman, I am not allowed to be angry'. Cindy has a lot to understandably feel angry about but this is pushed into her psychological basement, only to be realised in her increasing escalation of agitation towards her husband and her affirmation in response to Dean begging her to remain with him, with Cindy's explanation 'I am thinking about our daughter'. Though it is hard to decipher whether she is thinking of her daughter's experience of her father or her own experience of her father.
When it comes to power, Cindy was modelled what it is to be a man by witnessing a dominant, aggressive male in her father in relation to a submissive, hurt mother. Informed by a CAT lens, these relationship roles influence Cindy's relational template in an abusive to abused dynamic. These became reciprocated and reproduced in her own relationship in her encounters with Frankie's dad (who was portrayed as possessive, aggressive and emotionally abusive by leaving insulting voice messages and threats when she leaves him).
In the abortion clinic we witness Cindy say her first sexual encounter was aged 13. This is artistically enacted in very minimal dialogue which allows the viewer's perceptions to influence how this information is received. Considering the relatively small amount of power a 13 year old has compared to an adult, this account sounds like a disclosure of child sexual abuse. This adds more curiosity to why Cindy seems emotionally distant to her own daughter. I wonder what she has projected onto Frankie which have been disavowed from her own childhood experiences.
With Dean's lack of any family interaction, though emptiness may be felt, there is also space which seems to offer him freedom to explore his own values around what it is for him to be a man in society without imposition or the potential consequence of not living up to a parent's expectations or needs. One value that comes across to Dean is commitment. Without the support or wealth of a family - as Cindy experienced - Dean had to commit to himself in order to survive. This fervent commitment to himself translates towards Cindy and Frankie when he supports Cindy raise a child and dedicates himself to the role of father and husband.
The Future Room
There is a poignant moment when Dean offers to take Cindy to a theme-hotel where they can relax and enjoy each other. It appears Cindy reluctantly agrees to go with him, initially stating she is 'on call' the next day but they both get drunk and spend the night there away anyway. Cindy leaves without Dean and when he wakes, he realises he is alone. He was invited to take up the abandoned pole of the relationship role which connects with his core pain. He reaches his limit for distress and arrives at Cindy's workplace drunk and confrontational.
The mixed messages in the present interactions, highlighted in the future room speak to Cindy's ambivalence and lack of hope, insight or agency in her present and future life. In the room she projects this onto Dean, asking him whether he wants to fulfil his 'potential'. This appears to be her issue whereby she initially wanted to become a doctor before she became pregnant with Frankie. In the scenes we see her as a midwife. In this 'potential' argument, Dean disappoints Cindy as he explains it was not his goal to be someone's husband and a father but he realises deep down that it what he wants and this is what makes him happy. Cindy says it is not possible to have an adult conversation with him when in reality it seems she cannot hold in mind his separateness and autonomy, it is as if she wishes to work through her own disappointment through inducing him to feel how she feels about her own life.
Both behave in confusing and blurry ways. When we engage in relationship we lose ourselves in the other. It is difficult to watch Dean try and initiate sex with Cindy when she is clearly not interested. There is also difficulty seeing Dean repeatedly being rebuffed by Cindy, balanced with his ignorance of her lack of interest in sexual engagement. He finally says something like 'will you stop doing that, it hurts' when she is trying to communicate she does not want to be physically intimate by hurting him as he is trying to kiss her. He then asks 'how much rejection do you think I can take?'
Attraction and repulsion
A relationship between two people is divided into thirds - you, me and the space between us. This film revealed an intense display of the multifaceted ways people can become entangled when in a relationship. The lens through which we see each other becomes a projector screen of childhood home movies we stored in the basement.
Scenes in this film hone in on faces and expressions but without an observing eye, the curiosity about what is happening is absent and is left in the eye of the viewer. Without compassion and curiosity between Cindy and Dean, there are repeated relational dances without revision which culminate in the couples separation.
I see this film as a visual representation of what happens when our formative relationship roles move from the unconscious into our awareness in the space between us that we call relationships
Relationships can be reparative opportunities to understand ourselves and each other more intimately. This couple found love in each other but their unprocessed childhood material played out between them. This is what happens - we meet ourselves in the other. What we do with this is up to us. In this story, relationship roles of dominance and submission, resentfully caring to ungratefully cared for, abandoning to alone surfaced. Without space to notice, name and negotiate their way out of these dances, Cindy and Dean became a flicker of what was a flame in the beginning.
That which attracts us to another person may become the aspects of them we find repulsive. As Norah Jones' popularised by John D. Loudermilk's song, Turn Me On: 'After all, you're the one who turns me off, but you're the only one who can turn me back on'. Though Cindy was with a man who has many softer qualities she initially enjoyed, his playfulness and lack of ambition became what she felt repulsed by in Dean.
Dean's reciprocation of an invitation to become an abusive other confirmed Cindy's core belief, finding herself in a familiar yet painful place as, in the ending dialogue she says 'I can't do this anymore'. Is she speaking to Dean or to a wounded, child part of herself which seems to call the shots in her way of relating with others and herself?
References:
Fairbairn, R. (1952) Psychoanalytic Studies of the Personality, London: Routledge
Holton, E., Grohn, J., Ward, H., Manohar, S. G., O'Reilly, J. X., and Kolling, N. (2024) Goal commitment is supported by vmPFC through selective attention, Nature Human Behaviour, Volume 8, pp.1351–1365 https://doi.org/10.1038/s41562-024-01844-5
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